Thursday, January 27, 2011

my name is fuck and i lost you pounds

Have you tried diet after diet, but just can't keep the weight off?

"I've tried diet after diet, but just can't keep the weight off!" — Leo, 325 lbs.

With all these thousands of magazines and millions of diets, why can't we find one that truly works?

"I keep eating the magazines, but I'm still fat!" — Patty, 270 lbs.

Are you tired of the media coming over to your house and tying you up because you're out of shape?

Are you looking down the barrel of a gun, about to take "one last shot" at weight loss?

Put that shit away because I've finally found the secret! With my ancient technique developed by top scientists, you can eat all you want, burn down the gym, and watch the pounds just melt away!

No, fuck that. You can eat even more! You have to! The more you eat, the more you lose!

"I'm still lazy, but I look great!" — George, 150 lbs.

Drive from town to town, eating bakeries!

Eat the pies! Eat the staff! Eat the building!

"Nom nom nom!" — Ophelia, 125 lbs.

You'll have to eat in private because witnesses will be terrified by the velocity with which your face hole engulfs matter!

You're next.

Kick the diet industry in the balls! Kick willpower in the balls! I guess I'm part of the diet industry now, so kick me in the balls!

"My foot's sore." — Linda, 98 lbs.

All those other diet assholes are just capitalizing on your anxiety, but this one's different!

Monday, January 10, 2011


Edit: I decided to erase this post because I shouldn't put real political opinions on a platform that implicitly represents the Marine Corps. Nothing happened, I'm just being proactive. The post wasn't that good anyway.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

evolutionary psychology

I was talking with this girl in my fast car when that "just a dream" song came on the radio.* I was trying to explain how a straight man could theoretically absolutely adore that song, when I suddenly figured out why toughness and sensitivity are seen as opposites. It's a false dichotomy, but everyone believes it. It's so deeply imbedded in the human psyche, that to even question it seems unnatural. And when you encounter a universal mistake such as this, there's only suspect in the lineup: Darwin.

So I'm going to take you on a journey into the world of theoretical evolutionary psychology. Almost anyone can theorize with me. If you're good at logic and critical thinking, then you're disqualified. Everyone else, come on!

Let us consider toughness and sensitivity to be independent traits, with every male having an arbitrary amount of both. Either trait increases his chances of fucking. So a male who has high levels of both would be the ultimate fucker. Now, remember that a major concern for every fucker is to increase his fucking chances by eliminating rival fuckers. If one fucker can convince others that being sensitive is stupid, while he secretly acts sensitively at women, he can become a real fucking winner. Likewise, if he can convince others that being tough is stupid, while secretly flexing his muscles at women, he would gain a similar fucking advantage.

So far, these two traits are identical. The difference is a practical one. It is, on average, easier to eliminate a rival if you are tough. And it's harder to eliminate a tough rival. This is known as assbeater bias. Meanwhile, sensitivity offers no practical edge in a rivalry. What's a sensitive guy going to do? Understand your feelings to death? Before this analysis gets too complicated, keep the key fact in mind: The toughest male will be the least likely to get his cock stomped before it finds its way into a female, therefore all other fuck-helping traits, no matter what advantage they offer, will find themselves paying the tax of a higher flattened cock probability. Toughness, in nature, or in any environment where selection takes place, tends to separate itself from other traits and then eliminate those traits. This explains why everyone but jocks is annoyed by jocks, and, as a bonus, all evil in the world.

*And then I came on the radio.