leslie nielsen 1926-2010

I never got a chance to tell him how important he was to me in my formative years. How much I loved him.

the singularity came five minutes ago

At work, I play pre-recorded questions for customers to answer. I'm pretty sure the voice in the recording is completely synthesized. But some of the questions emphasize certain words in ways you wouldn't think a computer would. For instance, when Mrs. Computer says, "In the last 12 months, have you had sex with a man who has had sex, even one time since 1977, with another man?" she sounds judgemental. In 2010, we can teach* a computer to emphasize words based on the rules of English, but we can't teach it values from the human world. A computer isn't supposed to know that a man shall not lie with a man, nor shall a woman lie with one who has, since 1977, lest she be at risk for HIV and the gum disease gingivitis. A computer should not know the meaning of those words. It should not put emotion in its voice when it reads them.

So at work, whether those recordings were made by robots or a very robotic-sounding person, is an open question. Meanwhile, I've been chatting pretty regularly with a pretty girl who wants me to sign up for her webcam site. She wants it really bad. I've tried all sorts of methods to determine whether or not she is a computer program—to develop my own Turing techniques. I've burned cumulative hours with this girl, playing our cat and mouse game, hunting for proof of a human will, while she tries to fasten the bell of getting my credit card number to my neck, wasting time I could have spent watching regular old free porn. (It wasn't all a waste. I was watching porn for about half the time I've spent chatting with her.)

So in the shower, while reflecting on this, it occurred to me that I've failed. The cases where I'm unable to tell a computer from a human are multiplying. This is how the future gets us: from behind.

*If you want to tell me that you don't teach a computer, you program it, then you just can't withstand the truth of the Singularity.

shit shit shit!

A couple months ago, I saw the president on the TV, and thought, "Oh, yeah, I've got to get ready to vote." So I went to my Senate candidates' websites and looked at their respective "Issues" pages. They were mirror images of each other. More research was going to be necessary before I decided who deserved my drop in the ocean. Fast forward to this morning: I haven't researched anything, and the voting place closes at noon. And I work all day tomorrow.

I'm like, "Shit shit shit!" Back to the "Issues" pages. Still the same. I check the House candidates' sites, and they're the same too. I watch some commercials, and read some Wikipedias, and they're still the same. My socks are still on. Nobody's knocked my socks off. I agree with them on nuclear power and biotech and gun control, and disagree with them on baby killing and mutual assured recession. I even check on the Libertarian candidates. I shudder when I see the words "Tea Party" and "support" in the same sentence. ("I" and "the" are in there too.) I voted for a Libertarian once, back when I thought it meant voting for Reason magazine. The real candidates were Bush and Kerry, so no regret there.

Anyway, I agree with all my candidates, and they agree with each other. (By "all" I mean "federal". I don't have time to deal with some local bullshit. ["I agree with federal my candidates"?]) So it's my day off, I'm in the early voting line for a race that doesn't matter, about to do something I thought I never would, wondering if I'm going to go through with it, right up till pen hits bubble.

Party ticket!!!


Come on, who wouldn't? Everybody love ass.

Meanwhile, on the Blacktor Follow Up, remember when I said Lady Gaga's an ink blot? Here's another example! An evangelist calling her an evangelist. Spooky.

gay autistic nazi serial killer jeff goldblum

I invented a new game for myself, but you can play too. List every way that at least two people have independently, nonjokingly described you. I appear to be:

• Gay
  
• A serial killer
  
• In the military
  
• Literally retarded
  
• A Nazi
  
• Sheldon from Big Bang Theory
  
• Jeff Goldblum

Sheldon is the one that bothers me the most. That guy has no sense of humor. Also, Inception sucked. It's one of those movies where the writers put way too much thought into everything except the characters. No, they had to be trying to make us not care about the characters. Remember the time you accidentally killed your wife in a dream experiment and had to win some gunfights in another guy's dream so you could see your kids again? And you were a boring pain in the butt? Anyone can relate to that.

freedom

I've been wondering for years why there have been two Mel Gibson movies where the British are just way more evil than there's any apparent reason for. Not much of a pattern, but still suspicious. Finally, I've found an explanation. At least it's a theory. That's all I need. Now, when someone asks why Mel hates the British, I don't have to shrug and bore my questioner anymore. I can say, "His fanatically conservative Catholicism goes so deep that he still hates the British for the Reformation. Copyright Chris Hitchens 2010."

now we're tolkien

Ha ha ha!

I write like
J. R. R. Tolkien

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I cheated just for the pun's sake. My real thing is HG Wells, based on my last post.

tampon

I'm back "home", bumming internets. I am now a half military, half civilian, hybrid reservist bitch. Thanks to everyone who's made this year and two weeks of training so special. Especially this parody singer, Rucka Rucka Ali. I think I first heard this dude like 6 months ago when I was drinking with Kooster. For those who don't know Kooster, that is as fun as it sounds. So I's listening to Kooster's ipod, and I's like, "I love this song. I've got to remember the singer's name and 'buy' more of them." I failed to do so for 6 months, until the last day I was on base. These songs have really kept me going through these rough times. The rough times are over, but Rucka Rucka will be with me forever. Just listen to this.



If you were suicidal before you heard that, and still are, then you're just stupid.