Monday, May 2, 2011

analyzing the analyzers

I thought I'd try sleeping last night, but I must have been just aware enough of the sound coming from the TV in the next room. I drifted into consciousness to the chant of, "Bin Laden's dead. Bin Laden's dead. SEAL team USA Obama helicopters."

Shit, I realized, I can't miss this. And man, it was weird. I know emotions are high immediately after big events, and the people on TV say weird things, but the thing about weirdness is it never gets old. This time, the their idle chatter consisted of analyzing America's emotional response, ridiculously. I swear this satire is only slightly exaggerating what the news people really said.

America got hella closure tonight, as the most legacy-spanning manhunt in historical memory has siezed the head of the snake from the jaws of history.

That's right, Bill. This is truly an historical moment in the history of almost ten years to the decade today.

Would you say this is bigger than Hitler?



Parties are cropping up everywhere in the wake of the Twitter generation, for a people defined by the specter of never forgetting.

I was worried for a minute there, that these young people would forget, but they never did.

Holy shit. Let's see what the kids are emoting. Peter?

Thanks, Jill. I'm here with a party dude in the eye of this perfect storm of souls. What's your emotional state in response to this incident?


When was the moment when you realized that the impact hit your belief system?


Me too. How do you feel about the rainbow of emotions beaming, metaphorically of course, from your emotional core? Do you feel as if this is truly the moment when the butterfly of America blossoms from the caterpillar of fear?


If you had to pick one color from that rainbow, which three would they be?


That's the bravest thing I've ever heard. Thank you for your courage in the face of partying, party dude. This interview has certainly been the defining moment of my childhood as a reporter.

Go get wasted, Peter. You've earned it.

Oh god yes.

If you don't come back with a life-threatening hangover and an STD then you're fired. After the break, we'll have Private Johnson, an expert in talking about the military. God bless the Lord.

Own this moment in history! Get the Dead Ass Osama Commemorative Gold Coin or your grandkids will never forgive you!

And we're back. Johnson, can I call you Johnson?

No problem.

I love you, man. How amazingly have our guardians of freedom been perparing for this incredible mission?

The SEAL team was genetically selected from birth to detect Osama's DNA and obliterate his central nervous system. I can't go into specifics on their equipment or methods, but let me just say they can literally become shadows and regenerate ammunition via quantum tunneling.

Quite remarkable, the abilities of our courageous men and women. The terrorists must have been emitting rainbows of sheer terror.

I can't speculate on what kind of rainbows they were emitting, but yes, they were definitely emitting those kind.

Were there any tense moments in the situation room, where it might have seemed like the SEALs' god-like powers might falter?

Probably the tensest moment is when one of their helicopters malfunctioned. Luckily, the men who came in on that aircraft were able to backflip to safety in Afghanistan. It was sheer magic.

Very arousing. Thanks, Johnson, for talking about America's freedom.

It's just so incredible what Barack Obama has done for us. He truly has succeeded where every other president in history has failed. Let's bring back the monarchy.

I agree. We've got to get rid of term limits, find a way to make him immortal, if he hasn't figured it out already.

And that's our show. Next week's topic: Obama sucks!