Sunday, March 21, 2010

i finally reveal why i don't like marijuana

People are always asking me, "What time is it?" And I say that's a very interesting and difficult question. I have wondered for years why I don't like marijuana. I must apologize to those people to whom I haven't been able to give a satisfying answer, until now. I should warn you that this post is a lot of navel gazing. If you aren't actually one of those people who have wanted to know why I don't like weed, you might not care for it at all.

My distaste has defied analysis. Marijuana is a chemical that makes you an idiot. Based on my experience with another chemical that makes me an idiot, I should love it. Why do I like being drunk but not high? The key, as I just now figured out, lies in the sublime. The sublime is a humbling feeling of awe evoked by big, powerful, and amazing things. It's my favorite feeling. Marijuana increases your sense of the sublime. That should be even more cause for me to like it, but it's actually the problem.

My sense of the sublime is, to me, accurate, sophisticated, and reliable. If I tell myself something is sublime, then I can be confident I'm telling myself the truth. And marijuana fucks with that. It tells me everything is more sublime than my own sublimeness auditing system can verify. In fact, my sublimeness auditing system knows I'm lying to myself. My sense of the sublime, you see, has a logical component which a simple adjustment of my emotions can't fool. It is positively offended by such an adjustment.

Alcohol distorts my feelings, but apparently it doesn't distort any of the ones I'm touchy about. The thoughs I have while drunk, while retardilicious, are at least honest. When recalling them the next day, I can say, "Yes, those drunken thoughts did reflect my true feelings." They might have done so in a funhouse mirror way, but they still contribute something to my internal conversation. The distortion caused by marijuana, however, contributes nothing. It tells me things are amazing when I know they aren't. That's so annoying.

Important note! I have not used any illegal drug since the date specified on my service record. And I'm not gay.


  1. This makes Afroman sad :(

    But I can't remember why...

  2. Good point, I don't enjoy pot either.