Wednesday, May 19, 2010

profile: admiral raymond t. explodinger

My instructor implied that I should mention him on my blog, and I implied that I would. But I have a general policy against using any identifiable names or events, so I'll just change them to things I made up.

Admiral Raymond T. Explodinger has served in every branch of the armed forces, in every rank, country, time period, and species that's ever existed. He gained the power of time travel from that monolith from 2001. These days, he goes by "Admiral" because it's alphabetically the first of his many titles.

The first thing Admiral Explodinger taught us was how to summon a black hole from the eleven-dimensional sea of particle/anti-particle pairs that constantly whiz through the atmosphere, a technique with which we could destroy the Earth at will. From that day on, his mission was to ensure that not one of our class of 874 Marines would use this power for evil. In each lecture, he also spends a few minutes talking about the present and future of the Marine Corps, current events, classic ICBM restoration, dog breeding, fixing radios, and other secrets of the universe. By the time we graduate, we will know every physical law of nature, except how to hyperstabilize the vacuum constant, which is like the black hole thing, except it would allow him to destroy the entire universe. That's a technique he keeps in reserve in case he has to use it on us.

I'll never forget the day he told us, "The minimum (spherical) surface area of a given volume limits not only its reciprocal entropy, but space (obviously) and time, mass and energy, and of course velocity and acceleration, all of which are reducible to the information content of the volume and therefore equivalent." I know that even in my darkest hour, I can recall those inspiring words and find solace. I know this because the next day, he brought us on a field trip inside the event horizon of a black hole. That hour was pretty dark. Words couldn't possibly explain what we saw in there, just like they couldn't explain how he pronounced those parentheses.

Admiral Explodinger is a marine biologist who PT's whales, for he knows all too well they will be our successors as the custodians of this planet since we broke the thermostat. So crack open an ice cold bottle of Bud Light, Admiral Raymond T. Explodinger. Bud Light beer Anheuser Busch St. Louis Missouri.

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