Thursday, January 27, 2011

my name is fuck and i lost you pounds

Have you tried diet after diet, but just can't keep the weight off?

"I've tried diet after diet, but just can't keep the weight off!" — Leo, 325 lbs.

With all these thousands of magazines and millions of diets, why can't we find one that truly works?

"I keep eating the magazines, but I'm still fat!" — Patty, 270 lbs.

Are you tired of the media coming over to your house and tying you up because you're out of shape?

Are you looking down the barrel of a gun, about to take "one last shot" at weight loss?

Put that shit away because I've finally found the secret! With my ancient technique developed by top scientists, you can eat all you want, burn down the gym, and watch the pounds just melt away!

No, fuck that. You can eat even more! You have to! The more you eat, the more you lose!

"I'm still lazy, but I look great!" — George, 150 lbs.

Drive from town to town, eating bakeries!

Eat the pies! Eat the staff! Eat the building!

"Nom nom nom!" — Ophelia, 125 lbs.

You'll have to eat in private because witnesses will be terrified by the velocity with which your face hole engulfs matter!

You're next.

Kick the diet industry in the balls! Kick willpower in the balls! I guess I'm part of the diet industry now, so kick me in the balls!

"My foot's sore." — Linda, 98 lbs.

All those other diet assholes are just capitalizing on your anxiety, but this one's different!

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